Confessions of a Hoarder
I’ve been hoarding my words lately. I know that sounds really weird… but I have and there’s just no way around it. I have been stingy.
For no other reason than fear.
Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of displeasing God.
There. I said it.
I’ve been afraid to open my mouth and talk. I’ve hesitated to share my faith, my testimony and my experiences. It’s been a year of hard – hold that thought and wait – kinds of moments. There’s the mentor group I lead that ended. There’s the position at work I was preparing for that got dissolved in the restructuring. There’s the project that got shelved and re-shelved and then postponed and the other project pushed to the back burner. There’s life interruptions that seem to drag on and leave dreams dangling in the wind. Ugh.
I admit — I’ve let all of these moments add to the lie of rejection and failure. So I started clamming up and shutting down.
Until I got an email yesterday. This email reminded me of a short written piece I’d submitted for publication many many months ago but had minimized. Don’t let me fool you. I knew this piece had been accepted. I knew it was headed for publication and would be out in late September. But in it’s smallness, I brushed it off.
Isn’t it just like a lie to keep you so focused on the lack that you miss the gain?
On a whim I shared the news of the books release with my best friend and she went NUTS. Literally exploded with the cray-cray. As I watched all of her emoji’s roll in on my phone, I kept thinking – what’s the big deal? It isn’t that project. It isn’t that sought after booking. It isn’t being published by that company.
I know. I should be slapped.
That’s when His whisper came and said “you’ve been hoarding, holding back and hiding.” And He’s right. This fear of rejection and failure, a fear that was falsely backed up by these so called set backs, was silencing me. Worse? I was letting it.
His words simmered a bit in my soul and then today happened. Tired me got up and took my worn out self into yet another meeting. Not even two steps in the door (mind you, BEFORE coffee —someone gasp, ’cause that is serious) the leader stops me, looks me straight in the eyes, and says: “I just want you to know that just now, as I saw you coming in, God whispered that He is very pleased with you”.
Cue the waterworks.
He sees. He really and truly sees. He sees the tears, the fist pounding- head throbbing – groans; He hears the deep wordless sighs and watches the long nights, early mornings and blazing afternoons.
Maybe like me you’ve been hoarding your heart, in the shape of words or your talents, your time or your space all because of fear. Can I just be honest, it’s not worth it.
Even when progress is non-existent, when plans are completely undone, He is sovereign. And friend, He is faithful. What looks like failure is actually a set up. What looks like a shut down, is really a hold on. Don’t you dare overlook the abundance to focus on the lack. Life’s too short and faith’s too real.
So with this kick-in-my-pants kind of week I have two really cool announcements.
TOMORROW: The Five Minute Friday Book is officially available for purchase. I’ll post a quick little link first thing in the morning!
AND OCTOBER 1st: I’m starting an affirmation series. Yup. I need to spend some time affirming myself of what I already know but have forgotten in the wake of yuck. So with you as my accountability I will write out the affirmation of God’s truth to battle the lies attacking our confidence.
Stay tuned friends. I’m done letting lies get the better of me. If you are too, well then, let’s battle this together ~ together, we’re mighty!